My panic attacks have for the most part been under control but last night laying in bed I had one of the worst ones. My mom didn’t even know, I’ve done a good job practicing how to hide them. I lay there so scared for my cat that’s getting surgery today and it made me start thinking how devastated I would be if anything ever happened to him. I know he’s just a cat but he’s truly my best friend. I love him more than words can say. We have a bond I can’t explain to others. And those feelings brought me back to “him.” I remember being so scared and so sad if I ever lost him and if we stopped talking and that’s exactly what happened and now I just feel so empty. He was my best friend too and now he’s just a stranger to me. I feel like I was living a fairy tale in those days I spent with him. It was so lovely and peaceful that of course it wouldn’t last, sometimes I think wait did it actually happen? I had been the happiest Id ever been in those days. I wasn’t alone. I had my favorite person in the world finally with me.. and now we can’t even muster up a word to each other. We used to say how it would be impossible to go just one day without speaking. Now look at us. I have to remind myself that what happened wasn’t on me, but it still will always break my heart. You awakened something in me I thought died. And now that you’re gone I’m trying to kill it again. Go back to being hard. It was always you. And I hope someday in the future it’s still you.
